Dear D. and N.,
This is the first time I will openly express my true feelings to you. I would like to share my countless emotions towards you guys, and more especially, towards my friendship with you. I believe that the expression of emotions can be done in two ways: one natural way is passionate without heeding the norms of politeness and dignity, which is highly effective, informal and should be the way it is in the matter of hearts. However, it may have disadvantages of non-permanent effectiveness and devoid of logic. So, I chose not to go down that path. Instead, I have chosen a method of clear thinking to introspect on the discomfort that has been bothering me for over a year now. I believe that preparing a document is an excellent way to communicate a message that is important to be clearly understood by the involved parties.
When I first met N. via K., my first impression of her was of a foreign girl who giggled a lot and had an attitude of drinking lots of wine. As friendly as she was, we quickly became friends (or so I thought) around the autumn of 2007. Due to my upbringing in a traditional Indian family, I was and still am restrained in expressing my personal emotions. However, during those days, it was more relaxed, and I did not have that much contact with her as it grew later.
Everything changed due to my PhD problem that arose in January 2008. In those times, N., along with our guys like S. and M., offered consolation in their company and diversion from my sorrows. As Marcushof people left Delft, I grew a bit closer to N. as a good friend who was available to meet her every weekend, go to parties and go shopping. My reason to be with her was solely for companionship as I was really weakened in mind and could not be with my Indian friends or colleagues due to the humiliation I suffered. I did not ask myself what kind of friendship it was, nor did I find myself sexually attracted to N.. The reason may well lie in her foreignness, which I found bewildering rather than attractive and my own PhD sorrow issue. I find it funny that sometimes her colleagues thought there was a romantic relationship between us, which I quickly denied. Based on my observation of her attitude, I logically concluded that N. wants to be just friends and nothing more (which is also exactly what I wanted and still want). This observation was further solidified when she asked me about my likings with you, D., and other people during our outings. Based on my own experience with you, D., and also seeing that she really likes you, I strongly suggested you for the romantic relationship. This all happened in June 2008.
Although I was helpful in giving opinions to her about her romance with you, D., I began to question my own feelings towards her. By this time, I had gotten used to seeing her almost every weekend and talking to her regularly on MSN. But then it became clear to me that you, D., had become more a part of her time than me. At first, it didn’t bother me much as I knew it was coming, and I was prepared for that. But by November, I observed that the place I had with N. had been taken by you, D.. My and N.’s mutual conversations were replaced by her discussions about you. I started to feel a sense of jealousy that was turning my mind into shatters, worse than my PhD issue. I started to feel lonely and helpless. I wanted to remain friends with N. as before, but I knew that it would not be possible. I was afraid that my feelings towards N. were turning me into an unkind person and that I wouldn’t be able to remain a loyal friend to her or to you, D.. I noticed that I was becoming preoccupied with her and unable to concentrate on my work. In the hope of finding some answers to my troubling thoughts, I decided to go to India. While there, I realized how important my family was to me and how crucial it was for me to focus on my professional goals. I made a commitment to turn my mind away from thoughts of you and N. and concentrate on my work. But the more I tried to suppress my feelings of jealousy towards you, D., and my attraction to N., the more guilty and hopeless I felt. I tried to discourage you from meeting with me in January and February because I felt like I was betraying the idea of a true non-romantic friendship with N.. It’s not only unethical but a horrible thing to have feelings for your friend’s girlfriend.
Every time we met, I felt like N. was taking advantage of my vulnerability by inviting you along. I felt like neither she nor you trusted me as a single guy. It was not the same person who used to call me every weekend about parties. The feeling of being untrustworthy made me depressed during March and April. In May, I once again gave in to the temptation of having dinner with you. However, by this point, my persistent thoughts about N. and my feelings of insecurity had turned me into an evil person. I left in a hurry before things could escalate into an argument. I realized that the best way to deal with the situation was to cut off contact. I wanted to be just friends with you guys, and nothing more. This plan contradicted the fact that being in contact with you made me an enemy of your happiness and made me an evil person.
Until now, I had been denying S.’s suggestion to talk to you guys and share my feelings. My stubborn and proud mind, which had taken an informal vow to remain just friends and nothing more, stopped me from coming clean. The fight between friendship and jealousy was constantly being won over by jealousy, and I could only be a spectator in this situation where my integrity was at stake. I gave up our friendship because of jealousy and to maintain my undeserved pride as a tactless man.
But as July and August went by, I realized that I couldn’t run away from this problem. At least, not in Delft, where I saw you around the city center and at parties. It wasn’t my honesty but my selfish desire not to be seen as impolite that finally pushed me to break my year-long silence. I don’t know when these feelings of jealousy will disappear, but with this document, I’m taking a step towards solving the problem. I’m a 29-year-old man with professional setbacks and a lackluster personal life, and I have the right to be illogical and sad towards those who life has favored more. But the next time I see you on the streets of Delft, our beloved city, I want to present myself as a better man, devoid of deceit or any ill intent.
Although I’m a very tender and weak-minded person, I understand the harsh realities of the practical world and the inevitability of accepting things like failure, rejection, and loss. It’s humiliating and embarrassing to express my feelings to you guys, but I’m sharing my most vulnerable side with you. I sincerely hope that you won’t find it amusing or gossip-worthy, but rather, that you’ll find it moving and perhaps offer some sympathy for the worries of a man who’s weaker in mind than you are.